


Dismantle. Repair.

by lego_hearts



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, So much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-11
Updated: 2013-08-11
Packaged: 2017-12-23 03:29:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/921473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lego_hearts/pseuds/lego_hearts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are so many things Dean has never told anyone else.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dismantle. Repair.

**Author's Note:**

> Written pre-season 7. Spawned from listening to the song 'Dismantle. Repair.' by Anberlin.

The hardest thing Dean has ever done in his life is get into his car and set off on the road alone that night, no words to Sam or Bobby, no looking back because if he does he'll think twice and he can't.

 

The realisation, no, the thoughts that lead him to this moment came upon him so fast and with such clarity he had had to pause to draw breath, had to reach for the frame of the door to hold him upright as it hit him like a wave of nausea. Every word, every flashback like a physical slap to his face. Awakening, not punishing. Awakening. 

 

The night is heavy and the blackness seems to stretch out forever before him. His hands tremble on the steering wheel and his heart is pounding. He can't drive fast enough. That's the problem. He needs to be there now and he can't be. 

 

There were nights much like this when Sam was sick, when he'd only just met Cas and everything was very up in the air. Nights like this when he would leave the cramped enclosure of the motel room and go outside just to be doing something on his own for once. There were nights when he would be leaning against his car and Castiel would appear with the softest rustle of wings that became both familiar and comforting over the two years that followed. Castiel, the angel who at times had all the tact of a brick to the back of the head would lean against the car beside Dean, right next to him so that Dean could feel the surprising warmth that emanated from his vessel. The two of them would stand in silence and watch the stars, both full of too many thoughts to share but not willing to be alone with them.

 

Dean has never told anyone about those nights. 

 

There were times when they would all be together, Team Free Will, going about their business and Dean would feel those eyes on him. The way Cas looked at him, right from the start, made Dean feel something. The variations were so slight it was almost impossible to tell them apart, but there was Castiel's adoration for him out of obligation and then there was the look that took it's place, the adoration for him that came out of love and respect. Dean knows he's too broken a man to return such looks, and he wondered for so long if Cas knew-

 

It's one of the reasons he's driving now. 

 

Cas has never asked anything from him. Cas never asked anything from him and Dean has had the cold reality of his behaviour thrown in his face by his own subconscious. Those looks, that trust that Cas had in him, now it feels like a stabbing pain in his chest rather than the warm relief it provided before. The promises.

 

The promises they'd made to each other. 

 

There are so many things Dean has never told anyone else.

 

He has been falling apart for too long. Cas held him together, not with tenderness and not necessarily with obvious love, but his presence was always enough. As though he were a magnet that pulled Dean back together again. Now Dean is floating, cracked and in pieces with nothing to orbit around. 

 

Dean has tried to escape these feelings more than once. More than once he has been harsh and ungrateful because he is so unsure of where he's going and so unsure of what he's doing that it seems frivolous to take some peace and comfort from another person, a constant person. Reckless to invest in something he can't give his all to because he doesn't know what will happen in the end. He can love Castiel with his whole heart but Dean is mortal and he'll die. Cas can love again. And then again. And Dean can't just be the love of one lifetime in a cycle- not with this man. 

 

They wasted so much time because Dean ran so far and so fast from the feelings Castiel stirred up in him. But there was never any escaping it. The old cliches. He ran and Cas caught up. He drove and the songs on the radio told him he was in love. Cas looked through him, saw through him and loved him all the same. There was never going to be an escape. Not from this. Not from Cas. It's the wasted time that hurts the most, and the omissions. The secrets Dean keeps still. Even if they're written all over his face. 

 

Every defence Dean put up Cas blew down effortlessly. And that's why he's driving now. 

 

He remembers the night, the one night and the first night that Castiel came to him during the apocalypse and touched his cheeks with hands that were always the right temperature. He remembers looking into those eyes and letting his truths and hurts spill out in it. He remembers the small smile on Cas' lips and the way they had then pressed to Dean's. One moment and Dean fell apart once more, and once more Cas rebuilt him, cell by cell. And that isn't the last time he does.

 

And that is why Dean is driving. Because Cas needs someone to put him back together now. And it was always going to be Dean that did it. 

 

The headlights of the Impala cut through the night and the places they light are the only things he can see. Straight ahead. Straight on. Fast. The time they wasted, the opportunities he missed. Things that could have changed all of this. He's not stupid enough to think that Cas didn't know how he feels about him. Even the things Dean buried deep down. Because, as discussed before, Cas has rebuilt him and seen through him too many times.

 

Dean can't keep secrets from Cas and Cas kept coming back for more.

 

The memories pound into his brain with every heavy beat of his heart. The simple touches to his shoulder when he needed it. The brushes of his hand when Dean felt as though he was alone in the universe. The kisses, the soft and hesitant first ones, the passionate, needy ones, the hands on bodies and in hair, on skin. Every time. Every single time. 

 

Cas gave him everything. And that is why Dean is driving. 

 

Because he needs to get down on his knees in front of his new God and beg for forgiveness. Because he needs to make the promises that got stuck in his throat and say the words that need to be said. Because Cas needs to be told he is forgiven. Of everything Cas knew before he doesn't know that Dean knows this love is unbreakable. Infallible. Infinite. 

 

_Dear God, I am yours. For the rest of our lives. I can't let you go._

 

He can't let him go. 

 

The freeway is empty and he is all alone, a speck in the universe. But for once in his sorry life, for once he had someone who made him feel like more than that. Someone who saw the universe and of all the people in it loved him the most. Not just because he was important whilst he was alive, important as a commodity. A thing to be used. But because of who he is. Dean Winchester. And he knows he can't be that without Cas. That's the bottom line. He's saving Cas to save himself. He's saving Cas because they can't not be together. 

 

Everything was for him. 

 

Dean carries on driving. 

 

They've all made mistakes, usually with the best intentions. The road to Hell is often said to be paved with them. They're changing courses. He's getting Castiel back.


End file.
